DEATH OF A SALESMAN
DEATH OF A SALESMAN
I must confess to being more than a trifle nervous. But a good late evening workout has calmed me considerably. My manager at my new job at Company X called and left a message on my voice mail this evening. I called her back, but she was unfortunately unavailable. Hence, I am apprehensive about what she wants. The reason I suppose, or rather, I know, for my apprehension is rooted in guilt and uncertainty. I have mixed feelings about working at Company X. I have an incredibly arrogant side of me who screams out “Todd, you don’t need to tolerate corporate America and all of its bullshit ass-kissing and greed! It’s not what you are about, so why don’t you find something more suitable to your disposition?” Answering myself, I proclaim that I don’t know what “I” really want, but I do know that I definitely do not want to be weighed down by a lot of mind-numbing obligation and responsibility. It is difficult to make a living at reading, writing, eating, and working out—all on my own time and vagary of course. Yes, I have this feeling—this certainty, really—that my pious and intellectual journey, though excruciating and highly disciplined in some sense, has been a long vacation in another important sense. Certainly for the lover of knowledge, it is easy to understand that the words “school”, “scholar”, “scholastic” and the like are all derived from the Greek word “skolia”, which means “leisure”. Yes, it is true, although I have worked vigorously; I have nevertheless become a man of leisure. I have grown accustomed to living life on my own terms, and I have shunned the responsibilities of the “real” world. (The “real” world to which I refer here is in fact only as “real” as anybody chooses to imagine it to be! For some ridiculous reason, however, I refer to the “real” world only as a convention to distinguish it from the “dreamy” world of academics, arts, sciences, and abstract ideas.) Why? Because the “real” world bores the hell out of me! I have the sheer egotistical audacity to believe that I am superior to the “real” world. Thus, I guess it makes sense that I have some “real” lessons to learn. This is precisely why I am presently nervous over that call from my manager….
With closure comes a wave of relief. Finally, I was able to talk to my manager, who coolly announced that there had been a major layoff at Company X. Funny, I suppose, that I felt such a paroxysm of relief when I probably should have been feeling an onslaught of worry and anxiety for the future. I simply said to myself “Well, Todd, no going to work tomorrow and having to worry about getting caught in that down pour of rain the Doppler 12 weather experts are all predicting. Now I can read, write, enjoy my food, workout, listen to music, walk my dog, and reflect upon “Who Am I?”—all of the time cultivating my awareness, as I do now. But should I not be scared? Worried about the future? Certainly, I have no mass of wealth on which I can rely. I have no insurance, no family or friends on whom I can dare turn for refuge from the storm, and my credit is in a murky muddled mess. And what should frighten me the most is the stark reality that I have no real desire to enter a world of wolves and sycophants. It is not that I fear competition, nor that I feel incompetent, or that I scorn financial security. It is simply that I want to live life on my own terms, and I know that no matter what happens, that is exactly what I am doing and will continue to do. It is also what all of you are doing…like it or not, know it or not.
I must confess to being more than a trifle nervous. But a good late evening workout has calmed me considerably. My manager at my new job at Company X called and left a message on my voice mail this evening. I called her back, but she was unfortunately unavailable. Hence, I am apprehensive about what she wants. The reason I suppose, or rather, I know, for my apprehension is rooted in guilt and uncertainty. I have mixed feelings about working at Company X. I have an incredibly arrogant side of me who screams out “Todd, you don’t need to tolerate corporate America and all of its bullshit ass-kissing and greed! It’s not what you are about, so why don’t you find something more suitable to your disposition?” Answering myself, I proclaim that I don’t know what “I” really want, but I do know that I definitely do not want to be weighed down by a lot of mind-numbing obligation and responsibility. It is difficult to make a living at reading, writing, eating, and working out—all on my own time and vagary of course. Yes, I have this feeling—this certainty, really—that my pious and intellectual journey, though excruciating and highly disciplined in some sense, has been a long vacation in another important sense. Certainly for the lover of knowledge, it is easy to understand that the words “school”, “scholar”, “scholastic” and the like are all derived from the Greek word “skolia”, which means “leisure”. Yes, it is true, although I have worked vigorously; I have nevertheless become a man of leisure. I have grown accustomed to living life on my own terms, and I have shunned the responsibilities of the “real” world. (The “real” world to which I refer here is in fact only as “real” as anybody chooses to imagine it to be! For some ridiculous reason, however, I refer to the “real” world only as a convention to distinguish it from the “dreamy” world of academics, arts, sciences, and abstract ideas.) Why? Because the “real” world bores the hell out of me! I have the sheer egotistical audacity to believe that I am superior to the “real” world. Thus, I guess it makes sense that I have some “real” lessons to learn. This is precisely why I am presently nervous over that call from my manager….
With closure comes a wave of relief. Finally, I was able to talk to my manager, who coolly announced that there had been a major layoff at Company X. Funny, I suppose, that I felt such a paroxysm of relief when I probably should have been feeling an onslaught of worry and anxiety for the future. I simply said to myself “Well, Todd, no going to work tomorrow and having to worry about getting caught in that down pour of rain the Doppler 12 weather experts are all predicting. Now I can read, write, enjoy my food, workout, listen to music, walk my dog, and reflect upon “Who Am I?”—all of the time cultivating my awareness, as I do now. But should I not be scared? Worried about the future? Certainly, I have no mass of wealth on which I can rely. I have no insurance, no family or friends on whom I can dare turn for refuge from the storm, and my credit is in a murky muddled mess. And what should frighten me the most is the stark reality that I have no real desire to enter a world of wolves and sycophants. It is not that I fear competition, nor that I feel incompetent, or that I scorn financial security. It is simply that I want to live life on my own terms, and I know that no matter what happens, that is exactly what I am doing and will continue to do. It is also what all of you are doing…like it or not, know it or not.
posted by Todd Reinhard at 12:34 PM
1 Comments:
I guess it was time to move on. Remember the lessons that pigeons can teach us.
http://www.stevesmidlifecrisis.com/index.php/2004/08/17/learnings_from_pigeons
I have an incredibly arrogant side of me who screams out “Todd, you don’t need to tolerate corporate America and all of its bullshit ass-kissing and greed! It’s not what you are about, so why don’t you find something more suitable to your disposition?” Answering myself, I proclaim that I don’t know what “I” really want, but I do know that I definitely do not want to be weighed down by a lot of mind-numbing obligation and responsibility.
I think you are me in disguise. Heh.
It is difficult to make a living at reading, writing, eating, and working out—all on my own time and vagary of course. Yes, I have this feeling—this certainty, really—that my pious and intellectual journey, though excruciating and highly disciplined in some sense, has been a long vacation in another important sense. Certainly for the lover of knowledge, it is easy to understand that the words “school”, “scholar”, “scholastic” and the like are all derived from the Greek word “skolia”, which means “leisure”. Yes, it is true, although I have worked vigorously; I have nevertheless become a man of leisure. I have grown accustomed to living life on my own terms, and I have shunned the responsibilities of the “real” world. (The “real” world to which I refer here is in fact only as “real” as anybody chooses to imagine it to be! For some ridiculous reason, however, I refer to the “real” world only as a convention to distinguish it from the “dreamy” world of academics, arts, sciences, and abstract ideas.) Why? Because the “real” world bores the hell out of me! I have the sheer egotistical audacity to believe that I am superior to the “real” world.
I used to feel the same way. Now, I don't especially feel that I am superior to the "real" world. Instead, I have the sheer egotistical audacity to believe that I am one with it.
Funny, I suppose, that I felt such a paroxysm of relief when I probably should have been feeling an onslaught of worry and anxiety for the future.
How can you measure how you "should" feel? That's a cognitive distortion, my boy, and you don't need it!
I simply said to myself “Well, Todd, no going to work tomorrow and having to worry about getting caught in that down pour of rain the Doppler 12 weather experts are all predicting. Now I can read, write, enjoy my food, workout, listen to music, walk my dog, and reflect upon “Who Am I?”—all of the time cultivating my awareness, as I do now.
Time spent with dogs is a real blessing. It's the path to wisdom. I have learned so much from dogs, far more than I have learned from humans.
But should I not be scared? Worried about the future? Certainly, I have no mass of wealth on which I can rely. I have no insurance, no family or friends on whom I can dare turn for refuge from the storm, and my credit is in a murky muddled mess.
Why "should" you worry? Worry won't do anything for you. It will, however, do many things against you. It will fill your mind with all sorts of distractions and delusions. You don't need worry.
I don't mean to trivialize your position. Not at all. Instead, I mean to offer encouragement by reminding you of what is real. Worry is a mental construct that creates amazing amounts of suffering for us.
And what should frighten me the most is the stark reality that I have no real desire to enter a world of wolves and sycophants. It is not that I fear competition, nor that I feel incompetent, or that I scorn financial security. It is simply that I want to live life on my own terms, and I know that no matter what happens, that is exactly what I am doing and will continue to do. It is also what all of you are doing…like it or not, know it or not
To live life on your own terms and pursue happiness is the way to do it. Keep doing that. Keep being your own man.
Otherwise, I might have to head down there, get the gloves out, and teach you a lesson or two. :P
Take care, big guy! You will get through this.
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